Spokane glitters, a city between storms. A City on Ice — as I am, waiting alone for the nurse’s update. Just down the hall, contrast dye seeps through my husband’s veins.
Shrugging off layers — jacket, scarf, vest — I pace; then feeling chilled, curl into the molded plastic chair, knees up, hugging myself.
Shrugging and hugging.
I’m trying, dying to sense God’s enveloping presence.
But waiting is hard
Ancient Celts created “encircling prayers” known as loricas (lo – RYE’ – kahs). They engraved them on Irish shields and breastplates before soldiers went into battle.
Considering Dreamer’s Angiogram-in-progress, I wish I’d taken my Sharpie to his chest, made my wishes permanently known.
Christ be with me, Christ within me . . . This 8th-century lorica is attributed to St. Patrick. A sinking feeling within suggests that today I don’t quite believe it.
My beloved’s been gone 20 minutes. Nearly 44 years ago—roughly 26,426,400 minutes—Dreamer and I exchanged rings, two restless, love-struck idealists.
Dear God, let there be more years ahead.
Don’t we all wish this for those we love? Have we ever tallied the minutes of grace that have shielded and guided us?
Christ behind us, Christ before us . . . Changing the pronoun from “me” to “us” helps. A little. But returning jitters propel me upright. We wait — as well as walk — by faith, not by feelings, I tell myself, and we are never abandoned, no matter what.
Christ beside us, Christ to win us,
Christ to comfort and restore us.
I picture the ancient words pulsing within and around me, encompassing Dreamer, the nurses and cardiologist.
Christ beneath us, Christ above us . . .
Outside, light transforms high-rise windows to mirrors. Sunshine’s been scarce. Oh, for the snug comfort of my mom’s embrace.
“Coffee?” the kindly prep nurse asks. “How about some toast?”
I smile, shake my head, as if stillness might somehow appease Fate. Unlucky genes. Lifestyle choices.
Christ in quiet . . .
Silence cushions me the way a box lined in red-purple velvet cradles a ring. I feel held.
There’s a knock at the door; test results in hand, Dr. P enters.
“He’s resting now, slowly coming around.”
“Already?” I ask, sharp glance at the clock.
“I didn’t do any stents today.”
I start to rise, the grin shooting up from my insoles, through my chest. Even the roots of my hair feel springy.
“Unfortunately,” he adds gently (Christ in danger . . .), “stents won’t help your husband. He has multiple blockages.”
Somehow, I keep breathing. Someone, somewhere, must be praying, lifting us before God even as I sink back into the cold, hard chair. Christ in hearts of all that love us . . .
Dreamer needs five bypasses.
Questions crowd my throat like first-graders jostling for Teacher’s attention.
Dr. P is waiting calmly, kindly, waiting for me to find my words. “He’s healthy otherwise, and still young,” the doctor concludes. “He’ll come through fine.”
Christ in voice of friend and stranger.
I wrote this post a few days ago. Today, having met the surgeon, we’re still on ice, waiting now for open-heart surgery: February 28th, 7:15 a.m.
And we’re shrugging off fear whenever we can, hugging each other often.
Friends, we’re all facing battles within ourselves, or on behalf of those we love. Could we pray Saint Patrick’s Breastplate lorica together, right now, in solidarity? I’ve paired the words with simple hand movements. Click the link below and let’s lift our prayers together . . .
“The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17
Oh, and about Dreamer? I’ll keep you “posted.”
(See entire Breastplate prayer of St. Patrick here.)
Follow our journey here:
Site Link: www.caringbridge.org/visit/openheart2
Site Name: openheart2
I do hope your DREAMER is going to be with you for many years yet.
These words evoked such a stunning mental picture:
Silence cushions me the way a box lined in red-purple velvet cradles a ring. I feel held.
That prayer of St Patrick has been precious to me for over 60 years.
I used to have it on the toilet wall,
Many blessings from my heart to yours.
Mary.
Oh Mary, me too. I adore him. We’ve been married almost 44 years and he still makes me laugh, still surprises me, still holds my hand at night n bed. 🙂
I’m delighted we share a love for St. Patrick’s prayer! Sending blessings back your way.
Oh Mary, me too. I adore him. We’ve been married almost 44 years and he still makes me laugh, still surprises me, still holds my hand at night n bed. 🙂
I’m delighted we share a love for St. Patrick’s prayer! Sending grateful blessings back your way.
My heart tugged as I read “Waiting Grace…”. The Loricas was such a blessing to me. You see, as you and Dreamer prepare with trepidation, the healing & positive outcomes tomorrow, I too, wait and pray the Lord to be gracious for added length of years with my family. In December, I was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer. We were to get our affairs in order, as I had little time to live. With God’s have, others prayers & chemo, I am on that hopeful journey to health. What you wrote is exactly where Dan & I are. Interestingly enough, I just read your piece yesterday. The scripture from Zeph. 3:17 was the exact daily scripture printed for 2/26/17 by Gary Wilkerson’s Promise Calendar. It was a beautiful confirmation of God’s love for us both. I am a retired nurse having worked in open heart at Sacred Heat for many years. My prayers will be for you & Bill, the surgeons & entire crew. ..many of which I know. He will be in very good hands.
Dear Claudia, I am cheering you on! What a blessing to know the Breastplate Prayer and Zephaniah resonated with you. We’ve been so impressed with everyone we’ve met at Sacred Heart. I’ll bet they miss you here. Thanks for the encouraging words. May God’s healing presence envelop you and Dan each step of the way. Now I must go baste my beloved with the Special Sauce. 🙂 And then, hopefully, to sleep. Thank you again for visiting and responding with such candor, faith and beauty.
Dearest Laurie, I’m Linda Jo’s friend and just read your message about Dreamer and his heart problems. I had 5 bypasses 17 years ago and my heart is strong and doing well. I know that the Lord is with you both and will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Praise His holy name. I’ll be praying for you both. Dreamer will feel so much better after all this is over.
Hello, Arlie. Thank you for visiting the blog today. I love Linda Jo, too.
And I love hearing this testament to your strong heart so many years after the procedure. Thank you so much for telling me, and for praying!
Laurie so many people and so many prayers. I add mine to the list. Love to you and your hubby for a positive outcome.
Judith, it feels a little like sailing without lifting a hand or having to lurch, off-balance, to dodge the boom. Or like being whirled by love into the calm eye at the center of everything. Thanks, friend, for praying us onward, and inward. So grateful for you.
Laurie,
Blessings to you, sweet Laurie. I am praying for your dear Dreamer, for you, and your family.
I love how you weave the prayer throughout the uncertain and difficult moments of not knowing/finding out/waiting.
I also sent a dear friend the link to your prayer with motions. I think it will be a real comfort and blessing to her and others.
Bethany, thank you for those prayers. I’m so glad to think the prayer might be of use to your dear friend. I came up with the motions to help myself memorize the words, but sometimes I just do the motions silently and it makes me feel “tucked in” for the night.
“Tucked in.” I love that, Laurie.
On this side of the mountains, we just starting to get a little clearing between the clouds. I’m thinking of you, and hoping for some blue sky over your home today.
Do you know, I just looked out my office window and yes! — I see three rag rugs of blue between those clouds! I’m going to think of them as my magic carpet today. Thanks, friend. 🙂
Laurie, you put your hopes and anxieties in a place where I can share them. And St. Patrick’s Breastplate is the armor of the Spirit against fear and anxiety. Praying for your husband. And you.
With love, Luci
Luci, thank you so much for sharing this with us. I know from your books that you’ve endured daunting terrain, and your words and prayers comes from empathy as well as faith. It means so much to me. Thank you, dear Luci, with love from both of us.
‘Praying for you and Dreamer, including gratitude for the doctor’s optimistic prognosis and praise that God is with you, he goes before you, and he is for you. Zephaniah 3:17 offers perfect breath prayers for this time of stress. I pray the depth and certainty of God’s love does indeed quiet your spirits. Fondly, Nancy
“Perfect breath prayers.” I’m going to see that passage in a new light now. That idea is wonderfully inviting.
Are you familiar with the Yahweh breath prayer? Open-mouthed, whisper “Yah” on the inhale, “weh” on the exhale. I learned that from Richard Rohr and love its reverent, practical simplicity.
No, I was not familiar with the Yahweh breath prayer. You’re right — it is ever so simple yet reverent–that ancient, holy name, whispered for centuries. Thank you, Laurie!
A lovely prayer at a red light, or before falling asleep, or upon waking. Richard Rohr introduced me to it. Glad to pass it on.
Oh Laurie, my heart goes out to you. I will follow your updates. I will join in prayer with and for you. I believe for God’s best for Bill and for you, and that the peace only Jesus can give will comfort you both.
Patty, I thank you. We both thank you. Time is exceedingly precious and that you choose to invest your time in following our story and praying is priceless. Thank you, friend.
we sing this song in church sometimes. thank you for the visual
I just went to the caringbridge site and signed up. I am praying for you now for peace and healing. I really get the curling up and wanting to feel the embrace. may you feel it now.
Ah Carol, thank you for that vicarious response to the curling up. A little like having a friend cyber-sleep over, curling up together in sleeping bags before a dwindling fire. I am so glad to have your support. Yet again!
ps I didn’t know there was a musical version of the prayer. I must google that.
Dear Laurie ~ When I talked with Gena a few weeks back, you two were enjoying palm trees. How quickly things change. However! I with the others who have stated the same, am so glad discovery was made and Bill will receive his healing surgery. My brother-in-law underwent the same five months ago and is doing so well. Word for word, the cardiologist told my sister and him the same thing, “you’re otherwise very healthy and still young (64).” That has made such a difference. Know that many are holding you two close in prayer and heart ♥ Our Abba is SO sufficient. Though we don’t sail merrily through times like these, His test is one of Love and His trial is for the building up of our faith and courage. May the Lord grant you and Dreamer many more fruitful years. Much love, Nancy (the retreat possibility – 2.5 months out – may or may not be impeded; I’ll stay in touch with Gena ♥)
It is a great mercy to know, that’s for sure. We are keenly aware of the timing of this. And with all the travel we do, to be at home now is yet another gift. Mmmm, love, faith and courage . . . yes. May it be so.
Thanks for connecting with Gena about the retreat. Wait and see, and wait and see some more: that seems to be the new mantra. 🙂 God knows.
Thanks, Nancy, for sharing your love and wisdom.
Am praying for you and Dreamer. Tears fill my eyes and choke my throat at “44 years …” Our number too. Keep shrugging, and hugging each other. Praying ….
Jacqueline, aren’t we rich to have had so many years together? May there be many more for each of us! So grateful for your message and your prayers. Thank you.
Dear Laurie and Dreamer,
Thank you for the circles comments. I was immediately reminded of the huge, ancient circle of stones on a hillside in Wyoming. We don’t know exactly what was prayed, anciently, when those before us laid this circle. We do know that God promises that He would, will show all (ALL) Who He Is I am thinking this giant circle shows us that He continues His promises, past, present, future.
Woke up hard this morning, after a hard night. Having pain alone doubles it; waiting alone doubles its own kind of agony. Enter Holy Spirit, Who prays when we have no words. By becoming His Children, we tacitly give God permission to remind us of Him, in any way needed, that we are NEVER alone.
God be with you both, above, below, around and through; holding you in His Strong Cupped, circled hands, forever. Amen. Peggy
I’m getting chills imagining that ancient circle. These enduring monuments and ancient prayers really help my perspective, urge me toward the longer view. The God’s eye view.
Have you walked and prayed there?
I am so sorry to hear of your challenges in waking today, alone and hurting. Yet here you are, reminding me of His faithfulness, lifting us to His care. May you too sense God’s tangible, healing presence, and may tonight’s rest be easy and sweet, Peggy.
Dearest Laurie, So glad they found this and can actually do something about it. And so sorry you are walking this scary journey. Praying with and for you both as you wait and hope.
Dear Kathleen, yes, you are absolutely right. Thanks for your empathy. I am so grateful I met you through your Seeing Beauty class. So many times you have inspired and strengthened me! Here you are doing it again. Listen . . . is that a cup running over? Must be mine. 🙂
Oh Laurie, prayers ascending. My dearest beloved suffered a heart attack in 2000 and had six bypasses. He is doing so well now. I don’t mention the heart attack to scare you, but rather to thank God that this has been discovered so that Dreamer can receive help *now* before something happens. May the Lord surround you and the one w/ whom you dream with His angels of mercy, and I rejoice that you have found help in your time of need. The Lord has gone before you to winnow your path, and stands beside you to offer succor. He is your Great and Gentle Shepherd who will never leave nor forsake you. He leads you along gentle paths of righteousness.
Love
Lynn
Hi Lynn, I am smiling to see your name here, remembering your FB post about “comments.” How restful to absorb your caring, eloquent words. But what an ordeal for you and your husband! Rejoicing with you to hear he is thriving. And yes, we are so grateful this was diagnosed now. I will keep my eyes peeled for the gentle path . . .
Love to you,
Laurie
Oh, sweet friend….I’m typing this through tears. How our God is a comfort through these words of St Patrick’s prayer and your missive woven throughout.
Thank you.
(my Bill has major surgery–a cochlear implant–this Friday the 24th. I’ll be taking this prayer with me.)
Lord God, we’re so grateful Bill and Jody are in your watchful care. Wrap them in your peace, and may they see your hand at work throughout the process–from pre-op to post. In the power of Jesus’ name, AMEN!
Big Amen from my corner! Just the coverage we crave, pre-op to post. Thanks, Nancy for that prayer.
Oops. Silly me, I horned in on your prayer for Jody and Bill by mistake. Missed the piggyback cue in the comments thread.
Jody, thanks for that loving solidarity. A friend of mine has the implant and it has given back so much quality of life. May the prayer, and God’s oversight on 2/24 set your hearts and minds at ease, and may the procedure proceed and conclude with no complications.
Hi Laurie: I think it’s in our extremities that God calls us best. Your blog, the St. Patrick’s Breastplate touched me so much. My 15 year old grandson is fighting cancer and today he is undergoing a blood transfusion. I am text-sitting with my son, who is there. Then I came across your blog and learned about Bill. I think I am a little closer to understanding the fellowship of HIS suffering. God be with you both, my friend. Bill is in His hands – the best place to be. And He is using you, even in your suffering, to give praise to Him and comfort to others – namely me and mine right now. Bless you both in this journey. Abba will not let you down!
Oh, Linda Jo, I’m so sorry to hear of this cancer struggle for your grandson and the toll it’s taking on your son. And yourself. What a huge weight on your heart, watching both of them hurting. Knowing you found some comfort here moves me with gratitude. Hope the transfusion went well. May you sense those faithful Hands you describe carrying you, and yours in the days to come.
oh, my dear friends….. the unknown is always unsettling, and well…. scary! but thankfully, ….we know who holds our todays and tomorrows, …. and nothing is unknown to Him! i will be praying passionately…. for you both… all the docs…. wisdom, comfort, peace and an overwhelming sense of God’s presence. may you both “feel” His touch through this whole unexpected, and unwanted adventure. i love you both to pieces. if you need anything….. please let me know
Dearest Rhonda, you distill the struggle with what’s ahead so beautifully: “nothing is unknown to Him!” Thank you for zeroing my attention right back in on the heart of the matter. Presence. Faithfulness. Provision. I can’t help but grin over being “loved to pieces” considering they will take Bill to pieces, then reassemble him. Feeling covered. Loved. Thank you, forever friend.
Grace to you in the waking times. Peace to you in the waiting times. Love to you all the time.
“Grace. Peace. Love.” Caroline, your prayer washes over me this morning with the caring of long-distance friendship and the chiming poetry of the ancient Celts. Thank you.
Oh Laurie & Bill, What a scary time God has asked you to walk thru. Hope you feel our continued prayers and most of all His Hand and Arms for His peace in this storm.
Cee Cee, those images you share here of feet walking toward His Hands and Arms feel so close, so tangible, as I read your words. Thank you, thank you for praying us through the storm.
Laurie these surgeons are the best ..Bill will be fine , you both will . its never easy to face the unkown…but trust that these surgeons didnt get to this point without being the best of the best.. i saw this with my father and with sues father ..Have Faith and continue to trust in the lord and Prayer… you will be surprised how fast he will recover. and eventually how much better he will feel.. your Job will be not to worry yourself sick , and be there to anseer the bell he rings when he wants the paper and coffee lol …in our prayers …
Larry, my friend, hello. Your confidence and belief in surgeons and personal experience with those you love are potent: a trifecta of encouragement. Thanks for the gentle reminder to keep myself well in the process of caregiving. And? Better add “bell” to my shopping list. 🙂
Oh Laurie, Dreamer, and you, and your family will be in my prayers. Thank you for sharing your need and your faith so gracefully. Much love to you both!
Hi Michelle, and thank you for sharing your love and prayers with us, and on behalf of us. So grateful!