Two vases, cast off
by their owners,
stand side by side
in my greenhouse window.
My Jack Sprat-and-wife of the pottery world.
Both came from yard sales, several years apart, and I enjoy them every day. But this morning … I see them a-fresh.
Last year, you could say my life resembled the tall vase: shapely and capacious, with an easy, upward outlook. Familiar, much-loved dimensions.
Then I got scary sick.
Talk about crushing. It was like being squashed into the squat, bulbous vase: squeezed, compressed, diminished. My personal soundtrack underwent change, too, from carefree humming to yelps, groans, the occasional whimper.
In the words of Jeremiah the prophet, I was being emptied from vessel to vessel.
Without my permission.
Dregs are so repulsive.
And no one wants to be forced into shape-shifting change. So we pray, rebel, scout silver linings. We whine, rage, then pray some more.
Panicky at being out of control, we pursue compulsions. (Why yes, I did solve 31 jigsaw puzzles and 413 crosswords.)
Sometimes we make lists: Things I Can Still Do.
We binge. Then pay. Grieve. Pray harder.
And all the while, friends—like you!—keep showing up. You pray, send cards, emails, puzzles, and gifts. You prepare healing foods and assist with errands.
The goodness of God shown through loving, practical grace has kept me hopeful, tensile. Malleable.
Little by little, I’ve found peace in the awkward new shape of my days.
“Through love all pain will turn to medicine” (Rumi).
Friends, after five long months my new favorite word begins with the letter “R.” I am officially in Remission. End. Of. Siege. No more Abominable Abdominal C. diff!
Now begins the slow, stretching efforts of trial-and-error diet, to heal the interior damage.
Perhaps I need a third vase.
Have you been disrupted, too? Emptied from vessel to vessel?
I would love to pray for you.
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Thank you to Cris DiNoto for Railroad Crossing photo (on Unsplash)
Joyful news, indeed. Laurie, although may not feel it you are always an inspiration. In the midst of pain you write with searing honesty and manage to break through into God’s nearer presence. You have the eye of a poet and a prophet – which is the same thing. Keep surprising us with your timely reflection. May your new reality grow out of the old!
Richard, what deeply heartening words, thank you. May these things ever be so, by his grace.
Thank you, thank you for rejoicing with me!
“The goodness of God shown through loving, practical grace has kept me hopeful, tensile. Malleable.” Yes! A thousand times, yes. Thank you for using your gift with words to help give words to my own (and so many others’) painful reshaping process! Reshaping. Thank you for that R word specifically- after just yesterday I had used the word breaking.
And thank you also for the word tensile. I had to look it up. ? And this is what I found: “Capable of being drawn out or stretched. Ultimate tensile strength is the capacity of a material or structure to withstand loads tending to elongate- as opposed to loads tending to reduce size…measured by the maximum stress that a material can withstand while being stretched or pulled before breaking.”
And I wonder… is it this tall graceful (more and more and more full of His grace!) vase He’s been reshaping us to be all along?
Dear Jenell, thank you for letting me know the words resonate with your experience. That means a lot to me.
While I was writing, the word tensile sprang to mind, and I looked it up, too, to make sure I was remembering the meaning accurately. Your definition is a more detailed version than the one I found. Thanks for sharing it. Your question gets me thinking (with fresh hope) about change via reshaping. Perhaps there’s a rhythm (known only to God) to the progressive emptying process, a sort of toggling between different shapes, always with an ultimate upward goal. And that notion gets me thinking about a small sailboat in capricious winds, tacking its way toward shore: back-and-forthing (which must look wildly inefficient to those watching) in order to safely reach (eventual) harbor.
Thank you for opening my mind to more possibilities!
I am so delighted to hear of your release! What relief! Go carefully, my friend, and enjoy what God brings now. Freedom has never been sweeter, huh? Blessings!
Release and relief—2 more R words to love. I appreciate and will heed your advice to “Go carefully.” It’s good to be reminded that in the process of doing so (which will likely be way slower than I wish), I am steadily, gently headed toward freedom.
What powerful words Laurie!! My thoughts and prayers for you. Keep that optimistic thought ever present. Gods Blessings to you. Arlys Sobel. ❣️?
Dear Arlys, I so appreciate your thoughts and prayers. I am picturing your serene smile as I type my answer, simultaneously giving thanks God chose you to be an early, encouraging voice in my youth. You still are.
YAY!! My face is radiant with delight at this rousingly, remarkable, and refreshing news! Praying that you’re soon feeling revitalized! <3
Your face and your words light up my screen. Three cheers for alliteration! Love you, Sandi.
Okay, I had to look up “capacious.” I hope you get back to it, but only roomy enough for God’s grace to continue to flow to us, as it has even in your tough times. Glad you are better! The life threatening ills will not be so troubling, one day.
Dan, I’m grinning. It’s a good word, worth bringing back into common use. And I like the way you qualify your definition! May it be so.
Thanks for affirming the future and rejoicing with me today!
Remission, yipee!!!! Yeah I understand finding the right foods and when best eat them. Finding the right balance with food is a challenge I still haved. Low carb and little caffeine as not to make my body weird. Pray and pray some more to resist and find good alternatives instead. Food like life is a journey. You are loved and missed by all. Hugs to you both.
Continuing blessings
Brenda, thanks for cheering! I flashed on my old purple-and-gold pom-poms from 7th grade (talk about ancient history).
I’m praying for both of us as we trial-and-error our way forward, nutritionally. So many temptations! But discoveries too. I found a yummy cream cheese to gussy up gluten-free crackers. Have you tried Vegan GOVEGGIE cream cheesy bliss or Mary’s Gone Crackers (love the rosemary/garlic)?
Grateful for your love and friendship. May we each keep our sense of humor and daily receive (and harness) wisdom and will power, curiosity and gratitude.
And here’s a funny… reading from a bit too close a distance with my Dollar Tree readers I thought friends were bringing you cocktails. Yummm… oh, emails. Those are good too.
Laughing out loud! Hang on to those glasses. They’re keepers!
Laurie… so glad to hear. I’ve not been sifted, as it were, through physical ailment. I have been going through an enormously long and painful journey emotionally/spiritually/ existentially.
Dear Sue, how utterly grueling! I think of the costly fruit of forbearance through long-suffering, acquired, it seems, only by grace via white-knuckle hours, day after day. Yes, I will be praying.
Oh praise God from Whom all blessings flow, dearest Laurie, from an endless reservoir of grace—building, piling, spilling, flowing, cascading right into your upturned vase, no matter its shape or dimension—grace that can’t be contained in so small a vessel as your own “slender vase of being” (to quote another poet, Levertov!), grace unceasing, which God promises will never, ever run out—grace enough to drown that abominable cdiff, sending it over a cliff!! It is such a wretched, desperate, despicable condition. I’m sooo sorry you endured this! We watched by beloved Mother suffer from it for many months, not knowing how to help, asking for His grace to flow over and through her. It did, and it has in you . . . God’s healing, refreshing balm of Gilead grace. I think you need a fourth vase. Your third vase has being broken and spilled out for Him. Now a vase for Him to fill anew, so you may spill out on others, such as you have done here, attesting to His healing outpouring of grace and love . . . a vase which others will need to be poured onto them, because of what they may be enduring. Comforted vases spill forth the same kind of comfort into other broken vases with the same comfort that has been poured into them! May your cdiff make a difference for them, for whom the One, true Vase of Being was also broken and spilled. May I add a big R word to our vocabulary, in thanksgiving for what God has done for you? Let us Rejoice!!! Oh, dear Laurie, thank God you are better! Yes, praise Him Whom all blessings flow . . . from vase to vase to vase to vase . . .
Love,
Lynn
And to quote one of my favorite “abominable” quotes from Esther in Meet Me in Saint Louis: “If there’s anything I hate, loathe, despise, and abominate, it’s a bully.” I’d say it’s fine to abominate your bully cdiff!
Lynn, I am mentally standing, face raised, under that cascade of gerunds! And I needn’t hike to a remote waterfall to feel robustly refreshed. Living water.
And a fourth vase. Why not? As ever, you give me vision for the future with yet another irresistible image. All our vessels of clay, so in need of emptying as well as filling——and then the mutual sharing . . .
Thanks for the tip of the hat to Levertov. I need to read more of her.
Lynn, that your mama had to suffer so horribly (and your own heart and mind as well, helpless to change things for her) sobers me. I feel new, deepened understanding and empathy for all who suffer digestively.
And oh, Judy Garland. I should watch that movie again . . .
Such wonderful news! The third vase will be looking up and made of tough glass because it’s made it through the scary times. Praises and continued prayer going up for you to stay in “R” and manage reintroduction of foods well. Hopefully some old favorites will make the list.
I can relate somewhat as I fight an arthritis flare up in my neck pinching nerves and cutting off feeling in my right hand for 3 months now, not to mention neck and head pain and an barely moveable neck. With no drugs being an option for me with Graves disease and allergies, as you so eloquently put it, I’ve tried all the groveling, whining, praying, pleading, bargaining only to find God’s grace is sufficient and CBD has become the balm to help with a little relief. Still praying for relief as we prepare for 2+ months away, heading north in our “new to us” RV.
Love and many blessings to you dear friend and to your boyfriend too.
Dear Sandi, I love that vase description. Makes me want to go yard sale-ing this weekend.
Thank you, friend, for those continuing prayers. I too hope to eat favorite things again. Summer without salads seems way too grim. Still, it’s amazing how I’ve adapted, over time, to kefir and kombucha and bone broth. I actually like them now—which gives me great hope for moving ahead.
Nerve pain is so exhausting and debilitating. I’m glad you’re finding some relief and praying for answers and restoration. May your upcoming days on the road be pure joy!
The Boyfriend sends greetings.
Hooray!! So GLAD to read this and know you are on your way up!! Sending love and prayers for continued restoration of mind, body and spirit!! XOXO
Michelle, my screen is glowing. Your energy and delight are contagious. I’m grinning as I type.
Thanks for your prayers for the recovery stage, and for that image of being “on the way up.”
I’m picturing the house and balloons from “Up.” https://tinyurl.com/y6eqra2k
Oh my dear Laurie, a benediction of the best news! I am so thankful to hear! Hope rises and turns everything around, much love xx
Jenneth, I’m still pinching myself (though there’s not all that much self left to pinch). Thanks for celebrating this breakthrough with me. Here’s to Hope and all the ways it rises!
Thank you for the way you’ve been sharing your story, Laurie, and I’m so glad for your Remission!! Blessings as you continue to live into this new reality. Our God makes all things new!
April, thank YOU for those timely 25 Self Care Tips you posted today.
I am so glad for your wisdom and the reminder of newness, in this moment and in the days ahead. May we all awaken and live into the possibilities and invitations before us!
Oh my, what a sweet, delicious word: remission! Praising God with you that your siege is over, Laurie! May God repay you for the five months the locusts have eaten, and may you have plenty to eat until you are full (Joel 2:25-26)! That will be my new prayer for you! (Sorry about all the exclamation points, but this IS exciting news!)
Free pass, today only, for exclamation points!!!
And yes, such delicious remission. (How the assonance makes that phrase sing!)
Thank you for your prayer for redemption from those pesky metaphorical locusts — so apt, as C. diff is a wasting disease. And of course I gave away all my skinny jeans at our Great Giveaway Event.
Praise God. Ultimate Healer and creative potter ♥
Nancy, YES! I’m a puddle of relief, joy, and gratitude. My fingers just might be melting atop the keyboard.
I think that third vase will be lovely…
I look forward to the adventure of finding it . . .
Hurray! What a welcome “R” word! For this, we rejoice.
Sarah, thanks for another great “R” word (and hurray has two of them). Sharing my good news with friends doubles and deepens the wonder.
❤️
Thanks, Susan!
I sure enjoyed working those jigsaw puzzles you loaned me.
Bill brought home a killer puzzle of Crater Lake: 500+ pieces, most of them blue with smidges of white and green.
Oh what a lovely word… remission and a new mission-never has food has such an intentional purpose. Praying for revelation all around.
Remission & revelation: now there’s a winning duo! Thank you for expressing the ongoing food challenges as activity with “intentional purpose.” I’m going to lean into that notion.
And thank you, always, for your prayers and friendship.
“And no one wants to be forced into shape-shifting change. So we pray, rebel, scout silver linings. We whine, rage, then pray some more.”
I found this SO relatable, Laurie.
REJOICING with you!
Thank you for expressing solidarity. And thank you for REJOICING with me! Joy shared multiplies strength, methinks.
Life will certainly send us many unexpected trials , we can gather strength from each other’s stories. Thank You for this testimony of someone who can trust in God on a walk that sometimes seem’s dangerously close to a cliffs edge. We Know he has us , just as he always has.
Mike, you have lived this so vibrantly.
I seem to need a lot of reminding. Thanks for that image of God with us at cliff’s edge.
I’m so happy to hear that you are in remission and on the path to full health. Thank you for the precious gift of your writing that has blessed us with the wisdom and grace gained in such a difficult time. Love to you!
Deanna, thank you for undergirding my erratic way forward with love, understanding, and prayer. And those cards! Love you, friend.
Hopefully you will continue to be renewed, refreshed and certainly relieved!
Thanks to a powerful, redeeming God!
Hugs to you and my prayers continue!
Angela, thank you for those potent, lilting good wishes. And the bonus: two more “R” words to absorb, cherish, and hopefully reflect.
Laurie, you have such a beautiful perspective on your difficulties. This post made me think of the couple (I think they were called The Potter’s Field) came to my church with a powerful, effective presentation. The man was a sculptor and he molded & carved his clay piece while the wife sang. At various intervals, they’d tell portions of their difficult-to-beautiful marriage testimony. Anyway, we watched as the potter formed the clay into a glorious vase initially, and then, suddenly he sliced off the top and it became a pot. Collective shock was heard across the sanctuary. Of course, they spoke of the potter’s perspective and the plans for this pot, which was quite beautiful when he finished (both its exterior design and its purpose). One of the aspects that touched my heart the most during the presentation was the physical intimacy of the potter. He face and body were covered in the clay. We don’t see with His eyes, but His shaping of you (us) is intimate.
Carol, you make that remembered scene vivid for me: the slow, mesmerizing act of creation; the shared testament to grace, and eventual healing; the cost made visible via wet clay. You make the concept of spiritual formation wonderfully clear. The shaping IS intimate. Often messy. Ultimately beyond what we’d ever conceive on our own.